


There's a reason why (I never return)

by Anna_banana



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Song fic, break ups, lyrics, past brocedes, present valewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 14:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16620359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna_banana/pseuds/Anna_banana
Summary: Nico reflects on his and Lewis' relationship when he returns to the paddock in the 2018 season. He can't seem to move on like Lewis has.





	There's a reason why (I never return)

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from There's a reason why (I never return your calls)- Blossoms.

_‘I wanna know,_  
Since you’ve been gone,  
Have I been on,  
Your mind?  
Cause I know I was for a while.' 

When Nico comes back to the paddock for the first time he questions exactly what he was thinking. It’s the same as it’s been for the past few months, years even. He’s thinking about Lewis. More than anything he wants to know if the other man has been thinking of him. More than anything he’s afraid to find out the answer.  
Nico made the announcement. It feels like forever ago now. He thought the Brit would be happy, no more fighting over races and titles. Instead the other man is furious at him for leaving, as though they didn’t leave each other a long time before.

_‘Late last night,_  
I saw you out,  
For a moment I,  
Turned to stone,  
Cause there’s still something only we see.’ 

Out of the car Nico realises how little the race itself matters in Monaco. The race is just another spectacle, an event to showcase the scenery, the riches and the clubs. The awe of the competition has almost vanished. Instead it’s about sponsorship, personalities. Lewis may not have won but it’s still obvious to everyone he’s a champion. The room orbits around Lewis. It’s been a long time since Nico has felt grateful for his invisibility. 

_‘Don’t talk,  
I’d have run to kiss your mouth.’_

Lewis refuses to do a post qualifying interview with him. Or maybe that wasn’t the plan in the first place. Even Nico can barely untangle the truth from the lies if he’s being honest. He’s all at once grateful, amused and furious. When it comes to the end of qualifying he watches intently. Nico bemoans that the screen doesn’t do Lewis post drive any justice. When you get to stand next to him there’s an almost ethereal glow from the other man. Then again, it’s hard enough to share that with all of the other drivers, let alone the whole world.

_‘Is it me or,  
Just a dream that never dies.’_

Nico can’t help but wonder if things could ever be the same. He knows that they can’t. Lewis wraps his arms around Valtteri and Nico doesn’t think that they ever looked like that, even at their happiest. It’s impossible to hate the other Finn. He decided to get to know Valtteri better, find his weaknesses. Instead the other man kept talking to him despite Lewis’ repetitive warnings and Nico just couldn’t help but like him. Even just to make their friendship go against Lewis. He can’t hate Valtteri but the hope that something will come between the two of them never quite dies, say a championship maybe. Then Nico remembers he and Lewis were never that happy and maybe they’re happy enough to survive it.

_‘We’re leaving here,_  
We’re on the run,  
The time has come,  
I don’t hear no alarms,  
Fall asleep in my arms.’ 

Post-season was always his favourite time with Lewis. They could forget about racing, competition and instead just be with each other. There was always something surreal about those times though. Their lack of responsibility made them hide away from the world and the fights that had occurred between them. Nico has always been an early riser, yet his favourite times were always those without an alarm. Able to wake with the sun he could enjoy the restful periods. The only calm waves of the storm.

_‘A lover’s game,_  
Is never fair,  
But I still care,  
I know you do too,  
Cause there’s a part of me that’s you.’ 

They were both to blame. He’s pretty sure that’s the only part of their relationship they could agree on, that and the fact that they both loved each other deeply. Nico still does. The only person’s feeling’s he wants to think about less than Lewis’ are his own. It’s impossible not to think about it. Lewis will always be part of him. Right now Lewis is still so much a part of him that it’s suffocating. He can’t breathe properly on race week ends he doesn’t attend. His chest constricts tightly when he goes.

_‘I still find parts of you,  
In the corners of my bedroom.’_

When Nico travels, he questions why he felt the need for places to stay in so many of these countries. Every time he returns to a long lost home away from home he finds objects scattered around the room, or shoved away into corners. He has always liked his space neat and tidy. Lewis left the place cluttered, describing the places as cold, impersonal. Nico can’t bear to throw anything away.

_‘There’s a reason why,_  
I never returned your calls,  
I wish I could forget it all,  
Cause I’d fall again.’ 

Nico clings to his phone sometimes. He wonders if his number is blocked now, it probably should be. Lewis follows him on social media. Somehow the rest of the world almost seems to find that more monumental than he does. Sometimes he picks up the phone to type, to call, to do just something. He never does. Instead he tweets, makes a podcast, tries to smile.


End file.
